I’ll Love You Forever...
“ I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, for as long as I’m living my mommy you’ll be.”
I’m sure the above quote is one that most of you recognize. For me it’s a little more then just a quote from a child’s book I can remember reading with my parents. You see, for me it’s a sweet memory that I hope never leaves my mind, it’s a reminder of the beautiful soul who would say it to myself and my sisters, and sometimes if I close my eyes and just focus on her, I can almost see her with my babies on her lap reading that exact book she would read to us.
This month marks 6 years my mom lost her battle with cancer, and not a single day goes by that I don’t think of her. Anyone who has lost someone they love so dearly knows that, no matter how much time you had with them it never seems like enough. Looking back at the time I did have with her, I wish there was so much more I had said to her and so much more she could have been here for.
Blogging is a funny world because it can give you the chance to be completely open with a world full of strangers, but somehow being stripped off all the walls you build up, gives you a feeling of freedom. I started blogging as a way to express myself, to say the things that maybe Im not the best at putting into words in real life. Today I find myself opening myself up to you, in a way that makes me feel very vulnerable, but at the same time gives me a sense of relief. I’ve been working on this letter to mom for a long time now. I’ve fought through tears, both happy and sad... and now I’m finally ready to share it.
To My Beloved Mom,
The first words to come to my head when I thought to write this were : “I Miss You”, and for a while that’s all I could think of. I sat there with a million thoughts running through my mind, unable to put them into words. Then I took a minute to just breath, and I thought to myself “what would I want to say to you, if you were here now to hear it?”
Of course “ I miss you” is still at the top of that list. God to I miss you. I miss talking to you about nothing, or everything, I always took for granted how I could talk to you about anything and everything. I never felt the need to hold things back, and even when it was things I should have been ashamed about, I knew you would listen and place no judgement. I’m just sorry I didn’t talk to you more. Im sorry that for those last few years I selfishly took on the role of that “newly 20 year old” and couldn’t find more time to spend by your side. I didn’t see it back then, and part of me didn’t want to accept that your days may be numbered, but I wish I wasn’t so naive and spent more time with you.
Im sorry you were around for all my “shit head” days, but have to miss out on what my life has turned into. I think one of the hardest parts of losing you, is that my children will never get to know their grandma (even though I know you’d never let them call you grandma). My biggest reminder is my Ayda, who’s very name comes from yours. I see you in her every time I look at her face, and I just wish she got the chance to know you. It seems cruel of the world to take you away from us before they even got the chance to know you. I often find myself angry when I think about it and it saddens me every day. I know you’re with them, watching out for them though, and that thought gives me peace.
I wish you would have let us take more photos of you. You were beautiful inside and out, and I wish we could have captured that more. It makes me sad that most of my memories of you are strictly in my mind, I only have a handful of photos to look back on and see your gorgeous face.
Lastly mom, thank you. Thank you for making me the woman I am today. You were always there for me no matter what, you let me learn my own lessons while still being my shoulder to cry on when I needed it. You helped me through some of the hardest times of my life, and even prepared me for the greatest obstacle life has thrown at me thus far.... losing you.
Life will never be the same without you, and even though as the years pass I may seem to think about you less, I hope you know that is far from the truth. I think about you every day, and that will never change. I’ll carry your memory on, and try my hardest to have my children know the amazing woman their grandma was.... No matter how much time passes, as long as I live my mommy you’ll be