And suddenly you were everything....
" If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders."
If someone were to tell me however many years ago, that I'd be where I am now in life I probably would never have believed them.
I was a bit of a free soul before having my kids. I worked a job that gave me a lot of freedom to do what I wanted, whenever I wanted to. I went out whenever I wanted and went to bed at 4am simply because I could and I knew I could sleep my day away. And I travelled with no second thought. I loved traveling, "anywhere but here" was a common thought in my mind. Music festivals were my happy place, something about being outside, under the sun or the stars, listening to live music that just made me feel all warm a tingling inside.
Now fast forward 5 years give or take, and here I am, married with 2 kids, haven't travelled in years, much less enjoyed any of my annual music festivals, working a job I would have never imagined I'd be doing, with pretty much all those freedoms I did have, gone. Now when you first read that part you probably think "gosh sounds miserable" and I'll admit it's taken me a bit to accept my current reality, there are some days I think back to those days and really miss them. BUT then I think about all that I do have and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.
My kids, however difficult they may be on any given day, are my world. I remember when I was young and my dad would always just stare at me with this "look" in his eyes, and I would just think "stop being creepy dad." It wasn't until having my own kids that I totally understood what that look was, because I look at my babies with the same look everyday. It's a look of love; the purest, realist form of love there is, a look of "oh my god I can't believe they are mine" and finally a look of admiration. Having kids has been among the best things to happen to me, and has made me a better person, because I want to be the best me I can possibly be for them. Having kids has also been one of the scariest things I have ever come to face. Constant fears of failing them, as well as ever having something happen to them haunt me. It's amazing all the scenarios your mind can play out on any given day that basically just make you fear even leaving your house on some days. But it's my kids that give me the strength to take on each day head on, and make sure they get the best of every moment.
Lets not forget about the most important man in my life, my husband Sebastien. Now I'm sure more often then not, since having kids at least, he's felt like he's been put on the back burner at times, always coming second to our kids. Let me be the first to say that is the furthest thing from the truth. It was "him and I" before it was ever "them and us." Don't get me wrong I love my children more then ever, but they were a decision we made together, we decided to have them, and love them and forever have them be a part of our lives. I loved them before I ever even knew them. The love between my husband and I is a different kind of love, we didn't plan to meet, and we sure as heck didn't plan to love each other, but we did just that; we fell in love with each other so much so that we decided to have a family together. I'm sure every woman feels this way towards her husband, but Sebastien is the best man I've ever met. I knew it before we even had our kids, but after we had Ayda and Koen and I saw the father he is to them, it solidified all that I had already known. He supports me no matter what, however silly an idea I have is; he's right there front and center telling me I can do it as long as I want it bad enough. Our lives have changed quite a bit the last few years. We may have traded our late party nights out, for being in bed by 9 curled up watching something on the tv, but every day I get to spend with him I count my lucky stars.
So yes, life has changed. I'm no longer that 23 year old who could do what she wanted, when she wanted without a care in the world. There's no doubt in my mind it's for the best though, because all those cares I have taken on through the years have made me the woman I am today, a woman I can be proud of being..... I truly wouldn't want it any other way.